How do you hook up with a hottie if you're ugly?

You're at a stage in your life where you've realized that ugly guys are just as dumb as good-looking ones, so if you're going to be in a relationship, you might as well put up with a hottie, at least you'll know why you're with him.

In absolute terms, trapping a man in your net isn't that complicated if you're as methodical as Hannibal Lecter. But men are genetically programmed to go and seed everything that comes along, so you'll have to bring out the heavy artillery to guarantee you over-monastic loyalty.

Especially as you're ugly, but really disgusting. It's going to be a tight game, but don't panic, we're here.

Muriel's Wedding - 1994  /  by P.J. Hogan

with Toni Collette, Bill Hunter, Rachel Griffiths

A good-looking guy is much more likely to be attracted to a trophy he can show off to his mates. In other words, even though you may be his style, his subconscious won't necessarily direct him towards you, so you'll have to be cunning, because these superficial little twerps don't know what's good for them.

As Aesop said, if you want a man to take off his coat, don't tear it off him: just give him warmth and he'll take off his coat of his own accord. Manipulation is the key to success.

Florence Foresti, Mindy Kaling and Nawell Madani are living proof that you can get hot guys without necessarily cultivating an insta-babe physique, so if they can do it, you certainly can. All three are experts in self-deprecation, proof that staying positive and keeping your neurons firing can clearly pay off.

And don't worry, you won't have to change your appearance to do it, or you'll get into a downward spiral. After all, you start out with a simple, innocent bangs “because he likes it, you know” and three months later you find yourself at the dermatologist's, convinced that anal bleaching is the height of the hype, so stop: no guy is going to fall for you if you're not yourself. 

Finding hotties couldn't be easier. From gym jocks to handsome firefighters and policemen, physical professions are more likely to favor interesting musculatures. Beware of the pretty faces of business schools, as they will often be accompanied by a disgusting body hidden under designer clothes.

Avoid the combo of long hair+thumb rings+motorcycle, as this usually indicates a strong likelihood of a twisted cock, which you'll only need if you want to get fucked in the corners.

Finally, don't base your choice on fitness trainers, as they're already getting their clients, and at 200 euros a lick, you probably can't afford a whore.

Of course, don't forget to check out the beach - that's exactly what it's for - but avoid DILF-type fathers, because while mistresses get the furs and the trips, wives keep the house and the joint account, not to mention the fact that he'll do to you in bed what his wife won't accept, so you're likely to drool unless you've got a Teflon-reinforced anus.

Your grandmothers married wealthy plodders, but that's because they couldn't necessarily do otherwise. Today, things have changed, so leave the uglies of the VIP squares to the luxury whores and harpoon your target with discernment. And even if society's collective memory leads you to believe that a rich guy is the safest thing in the world, don't lose sight of the fact that prostitutes are to ugly men what cats are to the Internet.

Not to mention the fact that, tragically, men generally find a working woman much sexier than a housewife these days.

However, you'll want to avoid hanging around fire stations in flashy, ultra-tight leggings, as any self-respecting hottie knows the drill, and while looking like a blimp in a condom may indeed titillate some firefighters, don't forget that you could also have a lot more competition in this niche, as firefighters are calendar trophies particularly prone to sexual solicitation: so you'd better have strong antibodies against herpes and chlamydia.

And while you shouldn't base your decision on your prey's financial level, be careful to avoid the bottom of the barrel. You'll need to pay close attention to your target's way of speaking: any popular expression such as “bro” or “brother” should scare you off, as trash talk could make any hottie as sexy as watching a dog taking a shit in the park: it's cute at first, but it soon makes you want to puke.

So be at least select, and not just on looks.

Counter psychology on guys: since there's a difference for them between a fuck buddy and the one they see as the potential mother of their children, you're going to seriously exploit this nuance to fall into the second category. 

Admittedly, you might think that you're going to have a hard time competing with the love that some handsome guys have for themselves, but don't forget that many of them became hot precisely because they doubted themselves.

And don't worry, we're not going to fall into an over-Victorian boring plan, because from now on you're going to see things with hindsight and efficiency. ...You don't feel like fucking right now? Good for you! Because hooking up on Tinder or Grindr when you're horny is like going to the supermarket when you've got the munchies - all you'll get in the basket is junk food.

Keep in mind that you only become an old hag when you're no longer capable of love, so don't give up even if you live alone with a canary. And don't despair: when doors close, others open (as the engineers at Boeing would say).

In short, you're going to have to get your feet back on the ground: no more over-tantrummed waiting and cam shots. And if you've been on your own for a long time, you'd better take your time, because worrying won't do you any good: worrying doesn't take away tomorrow's problems, it takes away today's peace.

Anyway...

Once you've acquired your target, you already know how to attract him to have sex with. If it's a man, that's not going to be difficult, since guys are sluts (especially after a couple of beers), but keeping him for more than an hour without mastering ancestral deep-throat techniques is going to be tricky, so here are a few tried-and-tested tricks.

First of all, it's obvious that everything needs to be designed so that when he comes to live with you, he'll feel at home. A bit like visiting an apartment, he needs to be able to see himself living there. It's all about manipulation.

You're going to invest in a competitive mattress. Not just any cheap mattress, but at least one that seems to cradle you when you're on it. After all, the aim is to make him feel comfortable without him really knowing why. Of course, he'll have his own bedside table to put his phone on, enough sleeping space so that his feet don't stick out of the bed (invest in a queen size because he's probably taller than you), in short, everything he needs to have an illusion of independence on his side of the bed, but also over-calculated so that he feels welcome in this unfamiliar place without wanting to leave.

It's mega-twisted, we know, but the aim is for him to think that it's because he's with you that he feels so at home.

There'll be an empty chair by his side of the bed so he can put his things down and undress quietly. A bottle of water and a glass on his bedside table, and if he's a smoker, an ashtray of course, for that after-sex cigarette (don't be a bitch, you'll make him stop later). And don't forget the phone charger, conveniently placed there so he can imagine hearing his alarm clock ring after a night in.

Clean sheets that smell like detergent, and if your detergent doesn't smell at all, there are sprays that reproduce the scent perfectly. Choose an old laundry scent, and chances are it'll be one that reminds her of her childhood. Olfactory marketing hello. And if you want to add a little something extra on yourself, forget about the smell of papaya and stripper passion fruit scent, and try out soap scents that will take him even further back into his childhood.

When you see each other again later on, make the transition gently with rice powder scents, because you need to have a reassuring olfactory identity (like his mother) and above all not a slutty one (like his aunt).

Lighting that tends towards red or pink flatters the features, while blues, greens and yellows ugly, so a pinkish veil on the lampshade is a good trick to implement.

Above all, don't let the movies fool you into thinking it's a good idea to wear his shirt while walking around with it, in front of him, after sex: not only do guys not necessarily find it “cute”, but one of his usual bitches, if not all of them, has already tried it to try and hold him back (since he wouldn't leave without his shirt). Don't take him for a fool, he knows the trick. If you want him to stay, be creative and warm, because you're not like the others: stand out and you'll stand out from the crowd.

So you understand that when he ends up with a rival bitch, that slut won't be able to keep up with the comfortable environment he'll have had with you.

Guys get hungry all the time after sex, but watch out for the pitfalls. Because wanting to fill your fridge with goodies may seem sensible, but he'll also interpret it as your way of feeding yourself. So it's touchy.

Don't forget that he owes his dream body to a controlled diet, so he's not going to feel obliged to go home to get his protein shaker, but you can't have any at home, at the risk of looking like a calculating bitch (if you were sporty, he'd have seen that).

So you must have eggs and 0% greek yogurt + sugar sweetener always ready, a few “rocket” popsicles for the kids (only 60 calories per popsicle), appetizer almonds, mini veggies to nibble on in front of a show and Cola Zero. Don't raise your eyebrows, these foods are part of his daily diet, and since you're not going to offer him a roast chicken in bed, be creative.

Nutella is a safe bet, since you're also part of his guilty pleasure, so it's up to you to gauge him wisely and fill your fridge accordingly (check out the forums on muscle-building websites).

Warning: a trick that also works well is the small “home-made” dish if you have the opportunity, but it's a trick to be used with caution, at least not for several months, as one of his bitches has probably already done it to him.

As you can imagine, the aim isn't to hook him on the first fuck together, as he needs to experiment with other layers to realize that at home, well... he could see himself living there. Avoid spicy cinnamon-scented candles or incense, as competing whores are probably already using this stuff, and what he wants is to have a good time, not end up with his head in a sultan's pyjamas.

So you're going to become a regular lover, and tell yourself that the more he goes elsewhere now, the less he'll go later when he's your guy. In fact, you can bet that once all the ideas of cuckolding have materialized, there won't really be any feasible comparison or excitement of the forbidden.

Make him fall in love asap and once that's done, you can take your revenge and ask him to clean the windows, but your ultimate goal is for him to want to marry you, so take it on yourself, you'll get your revenge later.

Flatter his ego by asking for diet or exercise advice, as if you intend to change for him. Play surprised when he tells you that burgers have calories. The goal is for him to believe that if you're ugly, it's because no one ever told you what to do or what not to do: never underestimate the power of flattery on the role a man may have to play in a couple, because if there's one thing guys love, it's feeling useful. Don't turn into a pain in the ass who asks him to take out the trash, because there are limits to what he thinks is “useful” anyway. Again, you'll get back at him later.

By the way, don't set your heart on a man who spends all his time on social networks, as a study would have shown that people addicted to TikTok find it much harder to fall in love, because their bodies become resistant to everything that is dopamine and serotonin (the hormones of happiness). In fact, successive videos release so much serotonin into the body that it develops resistance to any form of hormone responsible for joy and well-being. This means that a man who could have fallen in love with you so easily may never fall in love with you at all, because he's “immune” to the very hormones that promote love, like oxytocin. And since we're talking about him falling in love with you, don't waste your time with a guy with an atrophied brain and pay attention: if he knows more than 4 names of influencers, forget it and run away.

To excel at manipulation, you'll also need to be creative in bed. The aim is to make him think that with you, “he's never felt like this before”. And there's no need to get too trashy to get there, because becoming a professional uro sex plan could do you a disservice, don't forget: you're the future mother of his kids, not some vulgar slut for whom double penetration has no secrets. And even if you're very comfortable with your exceptional performance and the only thing you've left humanity is a new STD, guys love to think you're still almost a virgin, so play the innocent woman “oddly compatible with him, it's too crazy”.

And it's true that, on this chapter, no one needs to know that your book has been opened many times, even if you can't wait to get your pellet smashed and you're a pro at genuflecting. You'll avoid looking like a heathen by showing off your Gallic skills: fist in mouth at parties in front of your mates or on TikTok, you forget, even if it's “too much fun”.

You don't twerk your big ball in front of the whole audience, you're not a hungry juice bag, and you're certainly not Nikki Minaj.

What's more, men are routine little creatures when it comes to fucking, so the slightest sensual eccentricity will come as a pleasant surprise. And since their main education comes from porn, no matter what they say, an ejaculation on the tits won't surprise them any more than that.

Where you have a card to play is in sensuality. In other words, you're going to have to re-educate him about sex. Especially as many men still believe that cunnilingus is the name of a cloud.

The good thing about dating a hot guy is that he's particularly exciting. So you'll have no trouble exploring his body with the tip of your tongue (note: we said “the tip”, not big slobbery swigs that will make him feel clammy afterwards). In other words, offer a glimpse of what your tongue would feel like if you went all the way, but since lack creates desire, don't use more than the tip at first.

Already, men are used to doing all the work as quick as if they thought you were going to disappear. What's more, they're used to go straight to the point and having their partner do the same. So a directive like “lick my nipples” is often followed by big licks of slobbery tongue on said nipples. If you do the same thing, it's nothing new for him, but if you use only the tip of your tongue, starting with back-and-forth strokes on the side of his chest before grazing the contour of his nipple, you'll see amazement and pleasure in his eyes.

The stroke of the tip of the tongue, which just grazes the body, is of rare effectiveness. And even if he's so sexy that you want to eat him, hold back, because he already knows about that.

Remember, if you don't usually like to suck, it's because the guys in front of you didn't turn you on... They probably had great personalities. But if you've got a Greek god in your sheets who intrinsically takes care of himself, then you'll suddenly realize that the blowjob isn't the problem: so proudly assume your big slutty side and don't lose sight of the fact that it was men who invented the words frigid and nymphomaniac to categorize your behavior without you ever once telling yourself... that your repulsion might come from them after all.

Because scoop: women have eyes too.

So it's not that you don't like to suck, it's just that you don't like ugly ones, nuance.

Don't be a hypocrite: suck him like you're going to prune him and enjoy yourself, but before you do, build up desire by stroking his groin with your tongue, then his thighs (test on the front and back knees, you'll see). For his cock, it's the same: don't put it in your mouth right away, but stroking it for a few minutes with the tip of your tongue before going ahead will multiply his pleasure when you swallow his sex. Forget about “kissing” him on the dick, which many people find really annoying. He might like it, but there's no time to risk him getting bored in bed: you need to offer him fireworks, not an underground author's reading.

In the end, it's just teasing to get him warmed up, but since you're only allowed one try to set yourself apart from the competition, go all out, of course, but above all, take your time.

For those of you who feel strongly motivated, here's a tip for mastering the deep throat: first of all, know that if he turns you on, that's okay, don't panic. You have to act as if you really want to swallow his sex, telling yourself that you're not sucking your man, you're trying to literally swallow him. This state of mind will make your throat much easier to throatfuck, and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

If you're having trouble, it's because instinctively you're not swallowing on your own, you're taking it, so you'll have a muscular rejection reflex. But if you try to swallow it, your mouth configuration will physically change and the exercise will be much easier. Do the test with your fingers: if you push them down your throat, you'll feel like vomiting, but if you “try to swallow them”, you'll see that it's particularly easy. A bit of practice and you'll be a pro, especially if it's exciting, which helps a lot.

Don't hesitate to tell him that you want to get there, that you want to, and that he could help you, because, as mentioned above, guys love to feel useful, especially in the way you imagine.

This open relationship will bring a whole new convivial dimension to your relationship. Stress-free, you're two adults who are there to please each other, and you need to talk about it as simply as possible. It's the most natural thing to do since prehistoric times, so play it down and make him your sexual accomplice - he'll be delighted.

And don't forget, your partner's a guy, which means he loves a challenge, so when it's your turn to make him eat pussy, don't hesitate to give him instructions and encouragement (no one can read your mind).

When it's time to fuck, it doesn't matter what position you're in, but try to keep as much eye contact as possible, just to encourage the idea that “something's happening” between you, and save doggy-style bitch mode for those you don't care about. You can fuck with his balls folded back as much as you like, but always keep your objective in mind.

Once he's come, like all guys, he experiences sexual rejection from his partner for about ten minutes. It's hormonal, nothing you can do about it. Imagine the end of a meal when you've eaten too much and the slightest extra mouthful would make you want to puke - you just don't feel like it anymore. So don't rush straight into his arms, but offer him something else before his temporary disgust prompts him to pull out. After ejaculation, guys are also exhausted and relaxed, so make the most of it. As you want him to fall into your net, you can't take the risk that he'll break, so suggest that he lies on his stomach. With you, there's always a way to have even more fun, something he's not necessarily used to. 

He'll be expecting a massage, but since he's probably already had one, you can't just settle for that. Without touching any part of his body with your hands, just stroke his back up and down from the nape of his neck to his thighs with the tip of your tongue very, very slowly, then insist on the back of his thighs. We're not talking about something done in 5 minutes, so take your time. He has to let go completely to feel such a level of calm that when he goes to fuck a rival slut, the plan will seem super bland. He'd planned to stay 30 minutes, make it last like 3 hours minimum. 30-minute plans are a dime a dozen. What's more, make an appointment to meet him at 8 p.m.: he won't be able to pretend to have dinner, or he'll have to get up early, and since he'll have nothing else to do, you'll have the whole evening to exercise your talents.

And don't forget to plan your date carefully, because women are subject to rules they can't escape. Translation: avoid having your period on the big day, otherwise you'll have a sodomy-party, and if you're not a pro at enemas, your date might not appreciate the Nutella plan that follows, which could be even worse if you drop a Suchard in the bed when he pulls out.

The aim is for you to have a good time without having to burn your mattress right afterwards.

Besides, you don't want to eat a lot of food the night before, because even a little doggy style can make you want to take a shit if his dick is curved upwards, so prepare yourself as if you were going to win the sex Olympics, because when the time comes, all would be lost if you had the mole at the counter.

And when he's there, you can't get away to "drop the kids off at the pool", especially as if he hears you shitting bricks with all the intrinsic and implied discretion that goes with it, all your efforts to look glamorous will have been in vain. So take precautions several hours beforehand so you don't end up with a cigar in your down-mouth, because only in advertising is intimacy aesthetic: we remind you that if the water in Tampax ads is blue, it's for a reason, so forget reality and go back to being virginal and over-innocent asap.

Useful fuck: remember to include a 69 as well, as this will allow you to see if he or she can also multi-task, and it's always interesting to know your other half's skills if you ever need to assemble a piece of furniture or change a tire.

To sum up: in the end, all this is just to show him what his life would be like if he were with you as you've understood it. You probably have fantasies you'd like to explore with him, but save them for later, because inventiveness is always welcome in sex life, so be patient.

Men are less into fantasy than women, it's the visual that's going to turn them on, and even if you've already had hot, dirty dialogues with a guy via messaging, don't forget that even if he didn't look like it, he didn't give a damn about your storyline because what he wants is to dip his cookie, so use this information wisely. It's a revelation: guys only think you look good naked, they don't care about your wedding dress either, contrary to what rosewater cinema shows you. (Seriously, 100% of (straight) guys don't give a damn about you dressed in meringue).

Translation: sexting is a good idea, but remember the golden rule: never put your face and naked body in the same photo, so that if it leaks out you can always claim that it's a stranger's body and not yours.

In view of the expertise you'll need to acquire for this extraordinary moment, it might be a good idea to practice on your regular (ugly) ass shot that you don't give a shit about, so test your skills on the ugly one before moving on to the hottie.

Of course, don't forget to protect yourself sexually, as men are often liars: for example, on the subject of Ukraine, Putin had also promised to... “withdraw”. They're all bastards, we tell you, so use a condom.

If you meet your bombshell after sex in everyday life (at work, at a friend's party...), don't hesitate to share a knowing glance with him from a distance from time to time, but above all don't be the clingy chick who wants to tell everyone that he's her new guy. Keep the relationship a secret, because even your best girlfriends will feel a certain jealousy - it's too big a risk, so keep your mouth shut. Keep your distance and if he comes to see you, talk to him like a close friend, because despite what they say, guys love a good gossip and knowing who's sleeping with whom. Just imagine you're talking to your gay best friend, but without the clothes/fashion/make-up details. Tell the gossip that seems funny and innocent to you, and forget the backbiting or he'll think he'll pay for it one day. The aim is to create your own bubble, not to become the witch he sneaks off to from time to time.

We've all heard those wedding vows where the groom says his wife is his best friend. So become that best friend, not the slob.

Never lose sight of the fact that a man is a hunter and that game at his feet will never turn him on, but on the other hand, playing hard to get will quickly get on his nerves, especially if you're playing the “3 days later because you know” SMS game.

Nobody's so busy that they never look at their cell phone, everyone knows that, so don't take them for a fool. If you know people who proudly display the number of messages they haven't read yet, it's simply a symptom of loneliness, because when you collect notifications, it's really because you think they're precious.

Men aren't complicated, and the simpler and more straightforward you are, the more likely he'll be to want to discover more and more about you. Like anything of value, a quality relationship will take time to build, so be patient and you'll be greatly rewarded. After the first time, allow three weeks to pass before contacting him again. Above all, don't text him the next day to ask how he's doing.

On the first evening when you say good-bye, tell him you're going to visit your parents the next day and that you'll write to him when you get back. This way, he won't wonder if you don't write, and he'll be happy when he receives your message three weeks later. If you know you're likely to bump into him, make something up: your best friend is staying at your place at the moment, so you won't be contactable until next month, for example. You don't want him to wonder about your silence, and you don't want him to think anything of you, because that's the red flag for all guys. Only good-looking women can afford to take a shit for free, but not you. Remember, men only put up with hot bitches to get back at them by ejaculating into their hair.

Finally, you can also try the competition trick.

Ask one of your hot buddies to court you openly in front of him/her, and play the flatterer. It may be a technique that's been tried and tested, but titillating the jealousy of your occasional partner can often pay off.

After a few months of regular booty calls (no more than once every three weeks at first), it's a good idea to suggest, if he hasn't already done so, a restaurant or a movie, but each activity must be linked to a concomitant fuck. A hand down his pants at the cinema can be exciting, we'll let you manage. These moments of complicity are bound to bring you closer together. Then the day will come when you'll have dinner, not necessarily a fuck afterwards, but a long night of conversation, and you'll become close friends.

Don't forget that when you're not in your room, you should treat him like your gay best friend. This way of seeing things will enable you, psychologically, not to say anything that would scare him away, because chances are, since he's so cute, you've already been in love for a long time, so keep your wits about you if you want to put a ring on his finger.

Don't lose sight of the fact that you have one major advantage over his buddies: you've fucked him. And compared to his usual bitches, you have a stability and intimacy with him that those bitches have never achieved.

To conclude, always let him make the first proposals as much as possible, so that everything seems to come from him (instead of inviting him to dinner, manage it like “do you know a good sushi place around here?”). And if you play it cool, you might just find him running through an airport one day to stop you from flying back to New York - well, we're exaggerating, but you get the idea.

And to close the subject, no one is really ugly in the literal sense of the word. This may sound like a rambling remark, but it's a well-known fact that 100% of beautiful people underestimate themselves (so can you). In fact, the people around you are inevitably imbued with jealousy, even unconscious jealousy, despite appearances, and chances are you've been told since childhood that you're not as you should be. This can come from your friends and even your parents. Because many people think they'll feel better if they devalue those around them.

This is not always made clear, which makes it even more unhealthy. For example, you'll be compared to people who look absolutely nothing like you, to emphasize that you're different (physically, professionally... ). An insidious variation is the “friend” who will describe his or her ideal type to you, which will (as it happens) be the opposite of what you are: “Oh no, but I find hairy guys disgusting” or “I only like tall, slim blondes” (whereas you're short and brunette).

It's human nature, there's nothing you can do about it. For example, we know that people who reach fifty look at photos of themselves when they were younger and think that they weren't as ugly as they thought. But in the meantime, the damage is done. Because to succeed in hooking up with a hottie is first and foremost to feel worthy.

So before you throw yourself at the first hottie that comes along, remember to eject all those who demean you, even slightly, and leave them in the mire of their own wickedness.

And you know what they say: happiness is the best revenge.

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